


Pain is beauty if you want to slay~~

by erinlightwoodbane



Series: Pain is beauty if you want to slay~~ [1]
Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: Just three gals being gals, Mentions of past abuse, Other, Ru Paul shows up to bestow some wisdom, Season 7 ep 5, Shadiest queen isn't doing so well, Surprise! Violet has feelings because she's a fucking human being, The DEPSY awards, The new poly squad, Violet Chachki defence squad™, Violet Chachki is a fucking goddess, Why are they all so gorgeous I don't understand, mentions of past non-con
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-01
Updated: 2017-03-01
Packaged: 2018-09-27 17:39:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,106
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10036544
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/erinlightwoodbane/pseuds/erinlightwoodbane
Summary: Set during the DEPSY award episode of season 7 where Violet isn't doing too well and ends up having a panic attack with only Miss Fame and Pearl there to help and support her.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer!! I'm not saying that any of this is true, most of this is work is purely fictional but I think it's important to not present Violet as some kind of emotionless bitch because she does have a softer, vulnerable side and you can see this here. Her with Pearl and Miss Fame is everything so I'll definitely be writing more of these three. Hope you enjoy! Leave me a comment letting me know if you'd read more of this!

Violet Chatchki has been called a lot of things in her life- bitch, whore, slut... but very rarely have people ever called her Violet. She's never had anyone in her life that's cared enough to. When they first meet her, people immediately write her off as some emotionless bitch who doesn't have any feelings and only cares about herself. And, although she can admit she might come off as a little standoffish at times, she doesn't want to be hated. No matter what they say, nobody wants to be hated. People hate her so she hates them in return. Simple as that.

And sure, it can get a little lonely, but she's Violet fucking Chachki for Christ sake, she's been on her own for long enough that she's fine with having to be her own shoulder to cry on. Well, maybe not completely fine but mostly okay with it. She tells herself she's okay with it because that's what she has to do, she can't afford to let herself be upset, can't admit to herself that she's hurting because that would make her weak. And Violet Chachki needs to be strong. If she wasn't then she wouldn't even be alive right now.

Drag is the only thing she lives for. She loves the makeup and the gorgeous outfits she wears and always slays in. She loves being able to take people's breath away with only one look, loves the attention she gets performing under a spotlight.

Violet Chachki has talent and she knows it. She's only 22 but she's been working all her life, and she works fucking hard. It's exhausting and it doesn't pay a lot but with the 'work' she does on the side, she gets by. She's met queens twice her age who don't have even half of her talent or skills, and unsurprisingly, those are the people who tend to hate on her most. But it's whatever. She doesn't care. 

When she turned 21, one of first things she did was send in an audition tape for Ru Paul's drag race. She worked on it for months before hand, sifting through her portfolio for all her best shots and having her performances recorded to capture what she did. To capture the art she made. It was one of those things that she didn't really think twice about. The shows she was doing then were great but after a while they get boring and Violet wanted something new. She wanted a challenge. It was easy being the best where she was now, but she wanted more. Violet Chachki wanted to be America's next drag superstar. Maybe even the world's next drag superstar.

To absolutely no ones surprise, she killed her audition and soon she'd be on her way to the studio, on her way to win her crown. She just needed to ignore any feelings that made her weak whilst showing everyone how beautiful she was and how much she deserved to be there. How hard could that be?  
\---  
They're 5 episodes in now and Violet Chachki is falling apart. 

They all hate her. They all fucking hate her and she can't take it anymore. They fall silent when she walks into the room, whispering to themselves as she changes alone, sharp nails digging into her palms. Of course she knew that there would be people who didn't want her there- people who'd call her out and talk shit behind her back but she didn't expect to be the only person they did that to. Sure, they take jabs at each other sometimes but they don't mean it the way they mean the things they say about Violet.

It's all the same things she's heard before but for some reason it all seems so much worse. Every Queen there has someone they can call a friend, someone who they trust and confide but Violet is the one girl everyone there hates. Working with Miss Fame was a blast and Violet wants her to like her back so much that it's pathetic. She thought she'd clicked with Pearl too but apparently that was just something she made up in her head. Of course it was. God, she's so fucking stupid.

They're all walking off the stage now and Violet wants to throw up. She's clinging to the 'shadiest queen' award in her hand so hard that she can feel the metal cutting into her skin and the feeling grounds her as she fights off the urge to run into the nearest bathroom and cry. She stops for a moment, allowing Katya and Kandy to brush past her as a sudden wave of dizziness washes over and she closes her eyes, a lump growing in her throat.

She can't do this. Not here, not now. She promised herself she wouldn't break and that's exactly what she's going, cracks growing bigger every day.

Oh god.

The air suddenly seemed thinner than before, her corset too tight and she turned and pushed her way past a few crew members walking by so she could practically throw herself into the toilets, collapsing on the ground in a corner as soon as the door closed behind her.

She'd been through this before and she refused to go through it again, but no matter how many breaths she tried to take in, she just seemed to be losing air, throat closing up. 

Before she even knew what was happening, she was crying- choking on big, ugly sobs that shook her whole body. She didn't know what to do, she didn't know how to get it to stop.

She couldn't breathe.

The air was thick, the room too small and Violet was sure she was going to die here, suffocating despite the great gulps of oxygen her lungs desperately tried to take in. She needed to get out, she needed air. She tried to push herself up but her body wouldn't move and she cried out, panicked and scared. Her fake nails scraped against the concrete wall.

Was this what dying felt like? God. She was dying and no one would even care, there'd be no one at her funeral, not even someone who'd give a eulogy about how shitty a person she was.

Over the screaming in her head, a knock sounded at the door. 'Violet? It's Fame.'

Oh god. Oh no,no,no,no,no. 

She couldn't let anyone see her like this, couldn't let someone like Fame know how much of a fucking mess she really is.

'Pumpkin, can we come in?' Pearl. Oh shit.

She opened her mouth to answer, to let them know she was fine and to go back to the other queens where they could bitch about her in private but instead of all that, she sobbed, loud and distressed.

Before she could do anything else, the door opened and Miss Fame's head popped around the corner, peering around at the room with eyes wide with concern. 

She looked down at Violet and if possible, her eyes got even wider, her mouth dropping open. "Shit, Violet-" She pushed the door all the way open and hurried towards her, dropping down onto her knees. 

Pearl appeared at the door, blanching when she met Violet's eyes and that only made her cry harder, gasping for breath. 

"Fuck, can I touch you Violet? Is that okay?" Fame asked her, hands outstretched toward her, "Do you need some space?"

Violet shook her head. She didn't know. Why didn't she fucking know?

"It's okay, sweetheart, don't worry." 

Violet reached out for Fame and allowed the other queen to pull her into a tight hug, the other girl's hand running through her hair and up and down her back. 

"I'm sorry," she cried, embarrassed, "I'm sorry, I'm sorry."

"What the fuck for?" Fame pulled back, still holding onto Violet's shoulders and looking straight at her. "Do I need to kill one of these bitches? Because I swear to fucking God I will." 

"It's not their fault," Violet gasped, "They can't help me being a complete screw up." 

Fame stared back at her, looking stunned before glancing back at Pearl who stood, apparently frozen with shock. She moved away from the door and knelt down next to Fame, taking Violet's face in her hands.

"Can you go get a medic or something, Fame? I'll watch her." 

Fame sprung up immediately, for once not complaining at the obvious order, dashing out of the room with a shout. 

The door slammed shut behind her and Violet winced, squeezing her eyes shut.

"You're hyperventilating, Vi." Pearl said softly, voice quiet and soothing. 

"Can't- breathe- sorry-" Violet gasped, clinging into Pearl's hands desperately, terrified at the thought of her leaving her alone.

"It's okay, hun," Pearl replied, "Just listen to me okay? You are the most brilliant and wonderful person I know, Violet. You're smart and you're gorgeous and even though you can be a little cold, I know that you're a really sweet person. You don't have anything to be ashamed of, darling. You don't have to hide your feelings because you think they make you weak. Even though some of the girls might not like you, it's because they're jealous, and because they're idiots. But me and Fame? We love you. We both think you're fantastic and you just have to trust us when we say that we do want to be your friends. We totally want to be your bffl, okay?"

Violet laughed a little at that, and Pearl grinned, leaning forward to press a kiss to her forehead.

"We've got you girl, just stick with us, okay, and I promise you we'll smack any bitch who dares say anything." Pearl said more seriously, looking Violet straight in the eye.

Her thumbs moved over the backs of Violet's hands in slow, even circles. “Just breathe with me, okay? Deep breath in - and out. And again - and out. That’s it. You’re doing great, love."

Violet's tears flowed faster as her breathing finally began to even out, gasps replaced by great, heaving sobs that shook the whole of her body. Before she could talk herself out of it, she flung her arms around Pearl, holding on tight, so close she was practically sitting in the other girl's lap.

Pearl murmured soft words of nonsense into Violet's ear as they clung onto each other, her quiet voice the only thing grounding her. She was so focused on it that she didn't notice Miss Fame slipping back into the room, accompanied by two medics and Ru Paul herself. 

Fame sat at the other side of Violet and wrapped her long arms around her and Pearl, the three girls cuddled closer than what should be possible. Violet couldn't even see anything because of the way she had her head buried into Pearl's neck but didn't really want to know what was going on outside of their embrace. 

"Violet, dear." A new voice, one that wasn't Fame or Pearl said, and Fame pulled back enough that Violet could look up and see Ru Paul standing there, sympathetic. She turned and said something to the two medics at her side that Violet didn't catch but they left the room so she assumed it wasn't important.

Although she did pull away from Pearl, she couldn't help but cling onto the girls hand, as well as Fame's when she offered Violet hers, taking a deep breath.

"Yourself, Pearl and Miss Fame are all safe and I don't think it's wise for you to be up on stage at the moment so I'd like you to stay here with these two girls and take care of yourself. You, darling, are a star and I do not want you to think that this is something that makes you weak or perhaps incapable of doing anything. It's clear that you need some help and that is nothing to be ashamed of so I think it's best if you just take this time to relax and unwind." Ru Paul said, her voice serious but gentle as she got down on her knees in front of Violet, smiling reassuringly at her. "The other girls are aware of what has happened but I know that Pearl and Miss Fame here will watch out for you, but I must insist that if there are things being said that upset you and cause this, then you should let me know. Anyways, just take care of yourself, darling, there are not enough people like you so have some time off with your friends."

She leant forwards and gave Violet a quick hug, pulling back and winking at her.

Ru Paul stood then, blowing the three of them a kiss as she left the room and disappeared out of sight.

"Normally I'd complain about favouritism but honestly... same." Fame said with a laugh, putting her arm back around Violet. On the other side of her, Pearl did the same so they were all leaning against each other, backs against the wall.

"So, do you want to tell us what happened?" Pearl asked, squeezing Violet's hand gently.

"I don't know," Violet said, suddenly feeling so ashamed of herself. "I overreacted I suppose, it's nothing, really."

Fame snorted disbelievingly, "We literally just walked in on you having a giant fucking panic attack. How is that nothing?"

"Fame-!" Pearl exclaimed, giving her a pointed look.

"No, it's fine, Pearl," Violet said with a sigh, trying to prepare herself for what her two.. friends? Would say when they heard what she had to say.

"Even when I was little I knew that I was different to everyone else. I didn't get along with girls or boys and I was completely alone. My mom died when I was two so it was always just me and my dad. And he.. he hated me. Said I reminded him too much of my mom. He didn't really do anything about it until I was six though. One of my girl cousins were round at our house and I let her do my make up and... I loved it. I loved it so much and I was so happy with it. My dad wasn't though. Waited until she left the house and then hit me. I think he'd been waiting a long time to do that and he'd finally found his reason to." Violet laughed darkly, shaking her head, oblivious to the distressed look Fame and Pearl exchanged. "After that it was pretty much non stop, I was never good enough for him, and I'll never be enough for him even now. It was fucking horrible- every kind of fucked up thing you can imagine- physical, emotional, verbal." 

Violet paused, memories suddenly flooding in and she held onto the two girls beside her even tighter, afraid to let go. 

"I started doing my makeup when I was fifteen and I was already really good at it, I looked gorgeous and I loved that I could turn something ugly into something beautiful. My dad.. one day he came home from work early and I wasn't expecting it- I had on a nice dress and my face was made up all pretty and he-he-he-" Violet pulled her hands free form Pearl and Fame's grasp suddenly, pressing the heels of her hands into her eyes and breathing hard.

"It's okay, it's okay, dear, take your time." Fame murmured, her own voice shaking.

"And he touched me, he touched me but I swear I didn't want him to do it to me, he kept saying I wanted it but I didn't want it! I didn't want it-" Violet's voice trailed off into quiet sobs and Fame felt her own heart break.

She glanced at Pearl, both of them sharing similar looks of horror. 

"We know you didn't, darling. Your dad.. he was so fucking wrong to do that to you, you didn't deserve that and I am so, so sorry that you had to go through all that alone. But we're here for you now, and look how far you've come. You're incredible, baby, and what happened doesn't define who you are as a person. Please know that." Miss Fame said softly, silent tears slipping down her cheeks. 

She hugged Violet close to her, pulling the younger queen close to her chest and holding on tight, making a silent vow to not let anything happen to her or to Pearl ever again. 

The latter was sitting silently, eyes ablaze with an anger that Fame had never seen in the girl before. She watched as Pearl took a few deep breaths, visibly trying to calm herself down. Fame reached across and grabbed her hand, giving it a long squeeze. Letting one last breath of air out, Pearl sighed before reaching over and rejoining the embrace, hands rubbing Violet's back as the girl cried. She'd been through similar shit with her own dad, so she could understand to some extent the pain the queen was going through.

"I didn't know what to do afterwards so I just ran," Violet said, voice muffled by Fame's chest, "I packed a bag and took a train up to   
New York, managed to get a job working at a strip club because I could pass at being 17 and lived in a shitty hotel until I was old enough to get an apartment. I ended up getting really immersed in the drag community and eventually started designing costumes, developing my make up skills, performing at a few clubs across the city, and the rest is history I suppose."

Pearl hummed, grip on both Violet and Fame tightening.

The former sat up slowly, rubbing at her eyes and looking exhausted. She froze suddenly, eyes widening.

"My makeup," she said slowly, "God, I must look like such a fucking mess."

Fame rolled her eyes, "You look gorgeous as fuck, you have no idea how jealous I am that you can look so good after having a mental breakdown."

Violet shrugged, seemingly back to her own self, "it's a talent," 

"True." Said Pearl, kissing Violet on the cheek quickly, "Now come on, bitch, we're taking all this shit off and then both of you are coming round mine. I'm in the mood for talking shit,"

Violet and Fame both laughed, all three queens pushing themselves to their feet and grabbing each other's hand, walking out of the room as if superglued together. 

It was a promising start to a shitty night, but as long as they had each other they all knew they'd be fine. No matter how much shade was thrown their way, three bitches are always stronger together than alone.


End file.
